55/365 : self-hate selfies

{here: have this instead, this time}

if i hold the camera just like this
you'll get my good side
and i'll avoid what terrorizes me
about the image of my body
for just a few moments longer

look: my face, tilted slightly to the right
down a notch
eyes high
mouth closed
mischievous smile
hair wild
forehead--cropped off

you can have this picture of me
where i'm still
and knowing
and devilish
and just the right kind of crooked
from the shoulders up--
maybe a little bit of cleavage

the bouncing blubber when i dance
or the witchy cackle of my laugh
or my nose that's a tiny bit longer on one side
if you look at it from the other
or my chin skin that's growing deeper
or my arms that are thick as butternut squash
because i eat pastries and drink wine
and don't make the time to exercise
all that much--not really

those things, i don't want you to see
not permanently
on a screen
where you might be able to relate
or worse, abdicate me
from my position of queen
in the kingdom of Perfectly Edited

there: i said it
i'm afraid for you to see me
i'm afraid you won't love me
i'm afraid i won't get my need for love met
if i'm human

i'm afraid because i was a kid once
who had needs, like all kids
and mine weren't met
like all kids
and i was traumatized by that
like all kids are

my story is i was a fat kid--really
and i didn't understand
that Jimmy McQuilkin's reason for not loving me
might not have been because I was fat
it could've been instinct
or other human things
or the fact that he was 10

no matter, because i am an adult now
and i can choose
to hold the camera just like this
until my arms fall off from exhaustion
and my face morphs into the strangest
version of fake

or --i can stop looking at myself
from the outside in
and i can start dancing
like a kid again
you know the ones who always
tilt their heads confused
when you try to capture the truth of their
wild incalculable magic

i can feel the yeses boil to the surface of my skin
until the conditioning of my self-hating
has no room
for stiff arms
or cropped minds
no energy to hide
the joy in me
that wants to shine
without apologizing
or shrinking
or over-saturating
or misconstruing
the real expression
of simply doing
what makes my body
happy