Thursday, July 10, 2014

191/365 : to my poetry pen pal 2




This poem is for me
But I'm writing it to you
Because I've forgotten 
My fingers for 
Writing to myself 

I've forgotten that if these fingers
Come from the man 
Who's planning is always two-birds-with-one-stone
And who's quarter jar spills over like a drooling July moon
Then they can probably hold something as buoyant as a basketball
Move it down the court with the confidence and carelessness of
I've-already-jammed-every-knuckle-so-fuck-it

I want to surf harder
Into my own wild wave 
Say it here then say it there
In the open 
Where tomatoes are thrown 
Or worse 
Nothing happens:
FUCK IT
I MAY FAIL 
AS I SHOOT FOR WHAT I LOVE
AND, BY THE WAY,
I'M CRANKY AS FUCK ABOUT IT

Last night I dove into my favorite ocean of sex
With my favorite body to caress 
With my favorite eyes-closed-where-did-we-go
This-is-definitely-home sensation

I'm not sorry for all this surrender to pleasure

We were fucking and I was wishing 
I would stop saying in my head, 
"I can't feel more.
This is my limit."

And then I finally said it,
"I'm allowed to feel this pleasure.
I'm allowed to treasure my body's joy
I'm allowed I'm allowed I'm allowed."

I howled and cried
But nothing really died

My hater is so god damn loud
And proud like a God Hates Fags campaign 
Except God Hates Your Pleasure/Power
God Does NOT Want You In Charge
God Knows You Will Fuck It Up 

Delusional child 
Delusional cold stupid chatter
Be quiet
Better hide
Better keep it in your journal
The place for dreams is in bed

Can I send you this? 
I'm so close to deleting

I don't want you to judge me 
Hate me 
Be hurt by me
For having sex with him

I don't want to be poisoning 
Everything
With my demons of doubt

FUCK THAT
Who cares?
Who can avoid the feral humanness?
It's here. 
It's alive.

Now,
I am quietly surrendering my fear to the pillow
The low hum window AC
Maybe some weed later

Because I don't want to feel
How much I want
To be somewhere or something else
I just want to go
Now
For a little while

I might also read a book

No comments:

Post a Comment